April 20, 2015

Never End

Bersama kalian, saya bisa selepas itu menghadapi waktu. Saya bebas jingkrak-jingkrak dan bernyayi lantang tanpa peduli notifikasi di telepon genggam yang menagih deadline ini itu. Bersama kalian, saya bisa lupa dunia. Lupa kalau di belahan bumi Depok sana ada kehidupan yang ‘rewel’ untuk diberi atensi terus-menerus. Terima kasih karena telah dan masih menjadi salah satu sumber tawa dan bahagia utama dalam hidup. Kalau kata Bowling for Soup sih, high school never ends. J

April 15, 2015

Falling in Love (?)

I was at my Uncle’s second wedding last month when some of my relatives asked those questions you’d frequently find in your 20s.

“Rin, pacarnya mana sekarang? Kenalin dong.”
“Rina sekarang sama siapa? Pasti pacarnya ada nih di kuliahan.”
“Rina rencana nikah umur berapa?”—I……this…..what…..

By then, I realized I’ve reached stage of life when my family begins to have interests on my love life. 

Four days ago, I had this conversation via Whatsapp with my dear friend that got me thinking. I said I am currently busy—or make myself busy—with my activities, happy with my personal achievements, free of being independent early-adult woman who can do anything that breaks every possible boundary, and think that relationship stuff does not perfectly fit with me right now. Then, he said 'You can’t really take only the good part of being alone. As well as you can’t only take the good part of being in a relationship. Both things force you to take the shittiest part of each way.'

He was right, but i have my point.

There are reasons why I find relationship is a very strong word for me, now.

It makes me feel vulnerable, exposed, and left uncertain. Falling in love and having relationship mean taking a real risk. If I can quote Dr. Lisa Firestone from Psychology Today, we are placing a great amount of trust and our self in another person, allow them to take care of us, affect us, that makes us feel okay of being vulnerable—or challenged. 

Intimacy, care, love are also very close with hurt, rejection and abandonment. The worst part is that the more we care, the more we can get hurt. The more we find someone is meaningful for us, the more we're afraid of losing them, of letting them go. What really happen is when you are in a relationship, you rely on someone else to bring you happiness. It’s just hard, because if they leave, so does your happiness.

My previous romance relationship taught me so much that even trust and love are not enough. Shit happens when shit happens. Eventually, we’ll hurt each other.

This trust issue is killing me, really. It’s cute when some couples do cute stuff together. I find them lucky and luckier.

Maybe I just haven’t met the right man. Maybe I’m not ready to be ‘vulnerable’ and start over again. Or maybe I'm just a self-centered person who is very comfortable being in her zone. Cliché, though. 

At last, my dear friend said, “Jangan menutup diri dari segala kemungkinan ya.

No, I won’t.

In fact, there are butterflies in my stomach now. 

April 11, 2015

The Voice

There is a voice inside of you
That whispers all day long,
"I feel this is right for me,
I know that this is wrong."
No teacher, preacher, parent, friend
Or wise man can decide
What's right for you--just listen to
The voice that speaks inside.
Shel Silverstein

April 4, 2015

A Message

Hello there,

It’s past midnight here, my favorite time by the way

It gives me time and space to think

All those complicated stuff I’ve been into

You know,

I was walking alone this morning

I saw an old couple, walking together side by side

They held each other’s hand

With happy smiles covered by wrinkles  

When they looked into each other's eyes

By that I know, forever is not impossible

Then I remember us,

We promised to be forever

But funny how time changes people

How fast it changed us that we have grown apart

And now I think,

Forever is overrated

These rows of words,

It’s a thank you letter
For reminding me what reality really is

It’s not a letter you should reply

It is just a message,
Delivered by the wind,
To a man far-far away,

From the woman who loses him.