April 15, 2015

Falling in Love (?)

I was at my Uncle’s second wedding last month when some of my relatives asked those questions you’d frequently find in your 20s.

“Rin, pacarnya mana sekarang? Kenalin dong.”
“Rina sekarang sama siapa? Pasti pacarnya ada nih di kuliahan.”
“Rina rencana nikah umur berapa?”—I……this…..what…..

By then, I realized I’ve reached stage of life when my family begins to have interests on my love life. 

Four days ago, I had this conversation via Whatsapp with my dear friend that got me thinking. I said I am currently busy—or make myself busy—with my activities, happy with my personal achievements, free of being independent early-adult woman who can do anything that breaks every possible boundary, and think that relationship stuff does not perfectly fit with me right now. Then, he said 'You can’t really take only the good part of being alone. As well as you can’t only take the good part of being in a relationship. Both things force you to take the shittiest part of each way.'

He was right, but i have my point.

There are reasons why I find relationship is a very strong word for me, now.

It makes me feel vulnerable, exposed, and left uncertain. Falling in love and having relationship mean taking a real risk. If I can quote Dr. Lisa Firestone from Psychology Today, we are placing a great amount of trust and our self in another person, allow them to take care of us, affect us, that makes us feel okay of being vulnerable—or challenged. 

Intimacy, care, love are also very close with hurt, rejection and abandonment. The worst part is that the more we care, the more we can get hurt. The more we find someone is meaningful for us, the more we're afraid of losing them, of letting them go. What really happen is when you are in a relationship, you rely on someone else to bring you happiness. It’s just hard, because if they leave, so does your happiness.

My previous romance relationship taught me so much that even trust and love are not enough. Shit happens when shit happens. Eventually, we’ll hurt each other.

This trust issue is killing me, really. It’s cute when some couples do cute stuff together. I find them lucky and luckier.

Maybe I just haven’t met the right man. Maybe I’m not ready to be ‘vulnerable’ and start over again. Or maybe I'm just a self-centered person who is very comfortable being in her zone. Cliché, though. 

At last, my dear friend said, “Jangan menutup diri dari segala kemungkinan ya.

No, I won’t.

In fact, there are butterflies in my stomach now. 

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